and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
