my vag is so smooth its legendary
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
