I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
