Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I could fuck to npr.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
