I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
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