You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
