she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
