Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
