1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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