my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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