Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
