Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
