He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
