Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
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