ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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