Kareoke will never be a sober sport
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
