we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
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while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
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I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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