I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
