It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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