i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
