The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
