i don't plan on having that self control this summer
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
