dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
