She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
