Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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