Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
