somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
