He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
