I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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