Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
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