so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
