when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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