i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
