Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
