im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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