i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
