Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
