FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
