i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
