Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
