Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just threw up on my dentist
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'm always down for nudity.
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