Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Define "chronic" masturbator.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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