Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
