Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
