Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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