You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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