Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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