my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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