i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
