If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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