I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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