I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
