Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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