I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
