fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
