take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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