How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
ok first of all what the fuck
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
