What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
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It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
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So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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