I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
